Asher Embry's Political Verse

My New Obama Mortgage

2012-02-03T08:33:00.001-05:00

President Obama just announced yet another homeowner bailout. He insists his "simple" plan – which puts taxpayers on the hook for banks which are forced to lend more money than a house is worth – poses no risk to the rest of us. Wasn't this exactly the type of reckless and unjustified expansion of government – in effect, forcing us all to take on second mortgages to pay for our neighbors' homes – which kindled the Tea Party movement in the first place?

My New Obama Mortgage
By Asher Embry

So yet again I'm asked to pay my neighbor's mortgage bill.
The reflex creeping up my leg feels nothing like a thrill.
O says it's really simple; since the banks, he'll make them pay.
But me, I've seen that farce before; it costs me either way.

I searched the Constitution since a document so great
Surely guarantees us all a lower mortgage rate.
But no such thing; a fact confirming what we always knew:
Barack consults a different Constitution than we do.

Obama's Rats and Child Cruelty

2012-02-03T08:31:00.001-05:00

Death, rape, drug overdoses, lice, and other public safety and health emergencies shut down "Occupy" encampments all over the country. Yet in Washington, the Obama administration (which controls the federal land seized by the DC Occupiers) continues to be unmoved -- and so are the residents of the Occupy shantytowns at McPherson Square and Freedom Plaza.

Will child cruelty and rat infestation change that?

Obama's Rats and Child Cruelty
By Asher Embry

To that "Occupy" father, we just have to vent:
Did Alinsky instruct you to leave in your tent
Your infant alone in the cold and the rain
To be gnawed on by rats? Are you *bleeping* insane!

To Obama: It's time that you shut these sites down;
We have suffered enough from this blight on our town.

Senate Secret Santas

2012-02-03T08:30:00.000-05:00

Sen. Al Franken came up with the idea to start a Secret Santa gift exchange among Senators (though his enduring gift to conservatives continues to be his utter ineffectiveness as a legislator).

We uncover some of the actual gifts which heretofore remained unreported.

Senate Secret Santas
By Asher Embry

Boxer got a ringtone which (with deference) calls her "Ma'am!"
Barbara M. a spa day to enhance her outer glam.
For Stabenow: a way to track a spouse with GPS.
Did Rockefeller get his wish to silence cable press?

Casey got a puzzle but he doesn't have a clue.
Kohl can buy at wholesale, so we skipped him - wouldn't you?
Sanders got his wish to overturn one SCOTUS case.
Schumer got the horse's end that doesn't have a face.

Claire McCaskill got an App to book commercial flights.
Whitehouse got a "Holiday" tree, pre-strung with "Holiday" lights.
Guess who scored 5 bucks a month for life (the "Durbin" fee)?
Kerry's yacht found moorings safe from tax and from the sea.

Did Jim Webb give Dick Blumenthal the Purple Hearts he'd won?
And also make arrangements that Joe Manchin get his gun?
Coons can now unleash his beard to radically grow.
Baucus -- nomination rules which every spouse should know.

Levin -- easy -- membership in Sy's Hair Club for Men.
The Huskers got their Kickback once, now Ben can try again.
And Harry Reid again will hear, despite the harm he's done,
That hopeful prayer from Tiny Tim: "God bless us, every one."

Though playing Secret Santa gives the Senators a thrill,
We know that in the end it's always us who'll foot the bill.

Obama Drones

2012-02-03T08:26:00.001-05:00

When asked today about the U.S. drone reportedly lost to Iran, President Obama indicated that "we have asked for it back. We'll see how the Iranians respond." When previously asked about his foreign policy "appeasement," a surly Obama said: "Ask Osama bin Laden." But it's clear the Mullah's know appeasement when they see it.

Obama Drones
By Asher Embry

As everyone but O has known
Iran will not return our drone.
Although O asked them: pretty please
(Which nearly brought them to their knees)
They'll think a nanosec. or so
And then Iran will answer: No!

For Ahmadinejad has seen
How pliant O has always been;
How easily that he's been had
By Medvedev and Hu and Vlad.

O really only wants to fight
With those of us here on the right.

The Marriage of Newt and Trump

2011-12-09T21:53:00.001-05:00

So it'll just be Newt and Rick Santorum with The Donald on December 27th. We know we shouldn't be mocking Newt; but when he pairs himself up with Trump, the rhyme just writes itself.

The Marriage of Newt and Trump
By Asher Embry

One by one the candidates fell, declining The Donald's call;
Romney and Perry, and Bachmann too, following Huntsman and Paul.
And though Rick Santorum's accepted, he hardly stands a chance
To muscle a word in edgewise while two mammoth egos prance.

Newt and Trump, Trump and Newt -- a marriage that's made in heaven.
(Actually, to be precise, between them it's almost seven.)
The two of them preening together, devoid of humility,
The obvious subject for Newt and Trump is: "Me, Me, Me."

But add Obama to the debate and this narcissist meeting's complete:
For thin-skinned vainglory, O is the champ - those others can't even compete!

Obama's Muse

2011-12-09T21:49:00.002-05:00

Doris Kearns Goodwin used her recent stint on NBC to give more of her ongoing political advice to President Obama: to use Teddy Roosevelt (the subject of her current book) as the model for Obama's reelection campaign themes. On cue, the White House announced an Obama visit to Osawatomie, Kansas where Obama's faux-TR speech presumably will mimic the 1910 "New Nationalism" address given there. It's now frighteningly clear that the LBJ-intimate-plagiarizing-bookseller from Massachusetts is the true power behind the Obama throne.

Obama's Muse
By Asher Embry

What Doris says, Obama does; it's obvious to see.
It's true once more: now O will speak in Osawatomie.
That trip, it sounded weird to us - for, sadly, we confess,
We hadn't heard what Doris said last week on Meet the Press.
Barack should mimic Teddy R exactly, she advised.
(We hope, of course, that's not advice that Doris plagiarized.)

First time she cast a spell on O was when she had a dream;
Referring to her Lincoln book, where rivals formed a team.
Obama bit, the now legit Kearns Goodwin sealed her fate --
Barack appointed Hillary the stewardess of State.

Since then, O's played at Lincoln, Truman, Kennedy already.
At first he played at FDR, and now fifth cousin Teddy.

While Doris plies her schoolgirl crush, the thing that's more absurd
Is how Obama's White House hangs upon her every word.
The White House might deny it but the facts they don't belie
When Doris utters "jump" -- it's clear Obama says: "how high."

Before you go to sleep tonight, repeat your prayers twice
That Doris doesn't start dispensing policy advice.

Barney’s Vice

2011-11-29T16:40:00.001-05:00

Barney Frank retires. So long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen. Adieu.

Barney’s Vice
By Asher Embry

There once was a Member named Frank
Who almost destroyed every bank.
Was his wont to inveigh.
Fought to shield Fannie Mae.
In fact, all of his policies stank.

Spitzer Occupies

2011-11-29T16:39:00.000-05:00

After failing as Governor and CNN host, has Eliot Spitzer -- the self-proclaimed "Sheriff of Wall Street" -- finally found a job for which he is unwittingly qualified?

Spitzer and the Occupy Wall Street crowd seem to have a lot in common: they are undisciplined, attention-hogging, spoiled elitists with too much free time on their hands who seemingly always are on the prowl for opportunistic sex with partners who apparently aren't looking for long-term monogamous relationships.

Spitzer Occupies
By Asher Embry

He read that Occupiers leave their condoms strewn around.
It's really not surprising, then, that Eliot Spitzer found
The newest cause to which he'll give his "massive intellect"
(And hopefully it soon becomes another thing he's wrecked).

So Client-9 will lead the movement once they figure out
What -- besides the drugs and sex -- the whole damn thing's about.

Pointing Fingers

2011-11-22T20:58:00.001-05:00

Surprise, surprise. No Supercommittee deal. And the Democrats know just who to blame.

Pointing Fingers
By Asher Embry

We’re 15 Trillion bucks in debt
And Democrats won’t even let
300 Mil. be cut a day.
It’s Grover Norquist’s fault, they say.

There’s finger pointing all around.
The middle finger’s best, I’ve found.

Reading Holder

2011-11-16T13:17:00.002-05:00

Attorney General Holder told Congress he doesn't read his memos -- rather he leaves that task to his staff. Now Holder's former chief of staff, Kevin Ohlson, who seeks confirmation to the Armed Forces Court of Appeals, says he didn't read memos either.

Just what does it take to get the Obama Justice Department to read?

Reading Holder
By Asher Embry

With all those legal briefs and such
He worried that he reads too much.
It started quite a while ago.
He found that reading's much too slow.

So legal "research" starts and ends
With soft entreaties from his friends.
He did no reading, not a stitch,
Yet pushed to pardon crook Marc Rich.

I did not know -- that was his vow
To Congress then as Congress now.
My staff, not I, get in the weeds
And so I'm ignorant -- he pleads.
(Staff now admit they, too, don't read;
They choose to follow Holder's lead.)

So Eric Holder's made a stand
As highest lawyer in the land:
He'll let no memos cloud his eyes;
Too bad if Agent Terry dies.

Obama, Unprompted?

2011-11-16T13:05:00.001-05:00

As if President Obama didn't have enough problems with the Debt crisis, the Middle East crisis, the Energy crisis, and the Easter proclamation crisis, "Hub" Schlafly, inventor of the TelePrompTer, has died at 91.

Obama, Unprompted?
By Asher Embry

At half-mast, White House flags will be;
O mourns his idol, "Hub" Schlafly.
Invented TelePrompTer box;
The irony: he worked for Fox.

Clearly Hard-Wired

2011-11-16T12:51:00.001-05:00

"And so part of the reason that our politics seems so tough right now, and facts and science and argument does not seem to be winning the day all the time, is because we're hard-wired not to always think clearly when we're scared."
-- Barack Obama, October 16th Democrat fundraiser

Clearly Hard-Wired
By Asher Embry

O says our thinking's just not clear: We're scared, our wiring's wrong.
His view: it's not his policies which make tea parties strong.
He thinks we just can't comprehend; remember, we're the ones
O views as silly, bitter hicks who cling to God and guns.

We've tried to disabuse him but he always does presume
That he, and no one else, must be the smartest in the room.
On that he's quite delusional, oblivious; it's grim --
O's always being rolled by Ahmadinejad and Kim.

But still he presses onward with his fundamental change,
Dismissing our objections as irrational derange.
It's simply inconceivable that we could disagree.
There's no one left for him to blame except for you and me.

We noticed all the people who he's thrown beneath the bus;
And knew it wouldn't take much time before he'd get to us.

Not Well Endowed

2011-11-16T12:50:00.006-05:00

President Obama rewrote the Declaration of Independence last week in a speech before the Congressional Hispanic Caucus, wiping out our Creator who endowed us with our unalienable rights. (Obama: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal [4-second pause], endowed with certain unalienable rights...") To whom, then, did the Obamas pray on their unusual trip to church on Sunday?

Not Well Endowed
By Asher Embry

To all, it's now self-evident
What kind of man's our President.

He said that he was one of us;
Went on to mock us for the fuss
We made about his Reverend's views
Which "hadn't reached" Obama's pews.
The reason that he didn't hear?
Quite clearly: O was never there.

We knew that O would hardly pause
Rewriting all our country's laws.
His ideology annuls
Our Constitution's principles.
And now, with ne're a hesitation,
O's changed our nation's Declaration.
(That Jefferson's not up to snuff --
With trite ideas and prose that's rough!)

He thinks those dreams his Daddy dreamt
Still make Americans verklempt.
But no. O's future's looking grim;
Now all can see what's really him.

To Infinity and Beyond?

2010-07-07T19:51:00.001-04:00

President Obama’s “foremost” charge to NASA Administrator Charles Bolden (as Bolden told Al Jazeera): “find a way to reach out to the Muslim world and engage much more with dominantly Muslim nations to help them feel good about their historic contribution to science…and math and engineering.” Just like President Kennedy’s charge to NASA 50 years ago…

To Infinity and Beyond?
By Asher Embry

Our heroes once were astronauts and NASA was our pride.
Barack now sees it differently, with other “missions” eyed.
The tasks they’ve now been given are irrelevant and strange.
Obama wants their focus aimed at tracking climate change.

“The Right Stuff” has been cancelled and O’s buried every trace.
We’ll count on Russian cosmonauts to ferry us to space.
We grew up with the Moon our goal, and space flight was our dream.
Now NASA’s chief priority is Muslim self-esteem.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Obama “Does Us All Good”

2010-06-22T19:44:00.002-04:00

Rationalizing the President’s four hour golf game last Saturday, Deputy Press Secretary Bill Burton said “I don’t think that there is a person in this country that doesn’t think that their president ought to have a little time to clear his mind.” With tongue nowhere near his cheek, Burton offered the official White House pronouncement that Obama hitting the links “does us all good as American citizens.”

Obama “Does Us All Good”
By Asher Embry

It’s now been proclaimed that what “does us all good”
Is just knowing Obama, with iron and wood,
Goes awand’ring ‘round fairway roughs, seeking to find,
(Not just balls that he’s shanked), time for “clear[ing] his mind.”

So O’s spill-cleaning efforts we shouldn’t demean
If the hole that he’s plugging’s atop the 9th green.
Don’t begrudge him the minimal “me-time” he’s got;
Just be thankful it doesn’t take place on a yacht.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Firemen, Teachers, and Cops! Oh My!

2010-06-21T12:43:00.001-04:00

Once again, Barack Obama, Jim Clyburn, and fellow Democrats defend their latest round of "stimulus spending" in the extenders legislation by pointing to hundreds of thousands of firefighter, teacher, and police jobs which need to be “saved” from state budget cuts. Do they really expect us to swallow yet again that there is no other spending the states could trim instead?

Firemen, Teachers, and Cops! Oh My!
By Asher Embry

Firemen, teachers, and cops:
Democrats use them as props.
O’s always pretending
(With stimulus spending)
Their imminent layoffs he stops.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

A** Kicker-in-Chief

2010-06-11T14:22:00.002-04:00

Obama says he needs to talk to “experts” so he “knows whose a** to kick.” We’re no experts on a** kicking, but we are happy to give Barack a list if he really intends to kick some deserving derriere.

A** Kicker-in-Chief
By Asher Embry

If O is really looking for posteriors to kick
We’ve got an ample list of worthy candidates we’d pick.

There’s Sec. Napolitano, for too many flaws to list;
The dolts O duped with Stimulus, especially Charlie Crist.
That mothball, Harry Reid, who called us “evil-mongers” once;
And Alan Grayson for this simple reason: he’s a dunce.

Putin and Medvedev who convinced Obama why
It’s fine if O just trusts them, there’s no need to verify.
Kim, and all his relatives, because they’re clearly nuts;
Alan Grayson (yet again) for being such a putz.

Those who say Tea Party members all hold racist views
(Sadly, that is everyone involved in mainstream news).
That creepy Joe McGinnis who’s a boor, unparalleled
(Not since Humbert Humbert has a writer so repelled).

Congressmen who fear deployed Marines might “capsize” Guam.
Staffers trading votes and jobs, like Valerie and Rahm.
Our "brave" Attorney General who just never gets it right.
Pelosi, ultrapartisan, whose brow is frozen tight.

Anyone who still says: O must clean up Bush’s mess.
Libs who think: if we ask nice, then terrorists confess.
All who seek approval from “the World Community.”
Beatles taking cheap shots at our ex-Prez, 43.

O’s writers who make straw men up each time Obama speaks.
The traitors who provide our secret tapes to WikiLeaks.
House and Senate members who refuse to hold town halls.
Immigration “experts” for not building border walls.

Financial rule “reformers” still excluding Fannie Mae.
“Fiscal hawks” like Blue Dogs who keep spending anyway.
Reuters photo editors who whitewash blood and knives
Pols and stars and golfers who are cheating on their wives.

AARP and AMA, Obama’s favorite shills.
Each Senator and Congressman who hasn’t read the Bills.
Democrats who stood and cheered and took Felipe’s side
(If they’d read 1070 they’d know that Calderon had lied).

Awlaki and bin Laden causing terror, spewing hate;
We hope a backside kick alone will hardly be their fate.
The Mullahs, still intending to construct a fissile bomb,
Who already are planning for a modern-day pogrom.

So many other weasels who we really ought to name;
If ever O kicked all their butts, he’d quickly wind up lame.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Obama’s Slick Helpers

2010-06-04T10:44:00.001-04:00

Now that we know President Obama has tried to solve the Gulf Coast Oil Disaster by consulting with “Waterworld” star Kevin Costner and “Titanic” director James Cameron, we figured: why stop there?

Obama’s Slick Helpers
By Asher Embry

With Cameron and Costner, O’s started a list
Of off-the-wall big shots he’s asked to assist.

There are Beau and Jeff Bridges of Sea Hunt renown;
The Perfect Storm crew (although all of them drown).
Captain Ahab, of course, since he stalked Moby Dick
Would be perfectly suited to tame this oil slick.

Obama gets help keeping BP in check
With Ken Salazar putting Das Boot on their neck.
And if BP’s next cap-and-recovery plan fails
Will O call Captain Bligh with his cat-o’-nine-tails?

Then there’s Captain Jack Sparrow and young Nemo too.
The actors from Lost now have nothing to do.
Love Boat’s Isaac and Gopher and Stubing and Doc
(Whose maritime skill’s surely nothing to mock).
Both Scheider and Dreyfuss could help in the fight
With the lessons they learned when they chased that Great White.

That’s a start, though we’re certain there’s still plenty more;
Just be thankful O never consulted Al Gore.

Though Obama insists that his head’s in the game,
It clear he’s most focused on shifting the blame.
But maybe the threat’s not as bad as we feared
Since the future’s now bright: Eric Holder’s appeared.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Rahm Blagojevich

2010-06-01T12:00:00.001-04:00

Obama's excuse for his Chicago-style hit on Joe Sestak: Clinton did it (and, anyway, everyone does it).
Rod Blagojevich must be the happiest man in America today. No less than the White House Counsel laid out the case that Blago (and Rahm) did nothing wrong. Did Blago,’s bag man have the same “unimpeachable” reputation for truthfulness and integrity as did Rahm’s?

Rahm Blagojevich
By Asher Embry

It’s not since Rod Blagojevich
That we’ve been served a fib so rich.
Each anecdote we’re asked to parse
Makes clear Rahm’s tale’s a massive farce.
If you still think this whopper’s true,
Recall Lewinsky’s dress of blue.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

“In” Vietnam

2010-05-19T13:47:00.001-04:00

Apparently, according to Democrat Dick Blumenthal, it all depends on the meaning of the word “in.”

“In” Vietnam
By Asher Embry

There was a Connecticut AG
Who was caught with inflated CV.
He asked: Would it trouble you
If he joined VFW
When he’d served out his “tour” in D.C.?

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Auntie Zeituni’s Amnesty

2010-05-18T13:59:00.001-04:00

Zeituni Onyango, Barack’s “Auntie Zeituni” from “Dreams from My Father,” has just been granted asylum, reversing her 2004 deportation as an illegal alien (see Asher Embry’s “Dreams From My Father’s Sister” on the February 5, 2010 AmSpecBlog). In the immortal words of Gomer Pyle: “Surprise, surprise, surprise!”

Auntie Zeituni’s Amnesty
By Asher Embry

Surprise, surprise, as we now see
Obama’s aunt gets amnesty.
Get used to what’ll be the norm
When O’s amigos get “Reform.”
One down. It won’t be long before
O tries the same for millions more.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

“Potty Parity”

2010-05-13T07:09:00.002-04:00

The House of Representatives is hearing testimony about its “Potty Parity Act,” which (according to the Bill’s sponsors) creates more federal women’s restrooms to combat “abdominal pain, and greater risk of cystitis and other urinary tract infections that, if left untreated, can cause renal damage.” Is it possible this Bill provides more valuable health care benefits than the ObamaCare bill enacted in March?

“Potty Parity”
By Asher Embry

We all agree that toilets for the genders should equate.
We hate to see long lines in which some women have to wait.
We’re glad to see the Congress probing porcelain, tile, and grout.
That’s where their focus should remain ‘til we can vote them out.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Obama's Salt, Too

2010-04-21T19:31:00.001-04:00

Obama’s Food and Drug Administration plans this year to impose legal limits on the amount of salt allowed in food products. Nanny Barack might want to check again the list of the top-10,000 problems facing the world.

Obama's Salt, Too
By Asher Embry

Obama’s nanny FDA
Is set to take our salt away.

Popcorn, pretzels, Ranch Doritos,
Triscuits, Pringles, Crunchy Cheetos;
Any snack from Grandma Utz;
Almonds, pecans, cashew nuts,
Ruffles, Saltines, aged Slim Jims,
Pickles, Margarita rims.

Barack will wage an all out war
On all these food that we adore.
When his paternalism’s won -
Arugula for everyone.

The Mullahs nearly have the Bomb.
About that O’s relaxed and calm.
The threat Barack instead attacks?
Our most beloved salty snacks.

Our salt is gone, but O still gets
The fix he sneaks from cigarettes.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

ObamaCare and the Pottery Barn Rule

2010-04-16T10:29:00.001-04:00

Ever since Colin Powell’s carefully timed endorsement of Barack Obama two weeks before the Presidential election, the two appear to have a special bond. We wonder if Colin gave Barack any political advice about ObamaCare (maybe that the Obama corollary to the Pottery Barn Rule – you break it, Bush did it - would no longer work).

ObamaCare and the Pottery Barn Rule
By Asher Embry

Obama got an extra lift when Colin said he rocked.
Perhaps before ObamaCare those two admirers talked.
Did Powell warn with sage advice, though O sure must have known it;
His famous rule for pottery: you break it then you own it?

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Obama’s Axis of "Outliers"

2010-04-13T05:05:00.001-04:00

“Outliers” is Obama’s newest foreign policy euphemism (enemies who don’t comply with the Non-Proliferation Treaty, the “NPT”). Now that “outliers” Iran and North Korea are no longer in the “Axis of Evil” we certainly wouldn’t think of imposing “crippling” sanctions on them.

Obama’s Axis of "Outliers"
By Asher Embry

O’s put an end to Bush’s praxis;
He’ll never utter “evil axis.”

"Outliers" doesn’t ring the same.
An enemy should have a name
That conjures up a firestorm;
Not: “those who lie outside the norm.”

O always wants the world to please
So we are stuck with legalese;
He'll see who are our enemies
By checking out their NPT’s.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC