Sunday, May 31, 2009

Obama’s Broadway Jaunt

President Obama took a break Saturday with a jaunt to New York City for dinner and a Broadway play. But don’t be concerned, he took the small jet (along with two others).

Obama’s Broadway Jaunt
By Asher Embry

Kim Jong Il’s deployed plutonium, and missles, threats, and lies.
Iran is daily plotting still for Israel’s demise.

In Pakistan there’s turmoil and the country could implode.
Near Georgia, Russia readies troops and trouble they forebode.

At home, our spending’s soaring, and our deficits balloon.
Tax revenues are sinking fast, down drastically through June.

GM’s declaring bankruptcy, and no one knows who else.
So all of us are cutting back and tightening our belts.

While “everyday Americans” are struggling every day,
So glad Barack could find the time for dinner and Broadway.

Copyright 2009
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Friday, May 29, 2009

Sotomayor’s “Snippets”

“Who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs did not say as he tried to spin away Judge Sotomayor’s emphatic statements about the superiority of appellate judges’ policymaking and the inferiority of white males’ decisionmaking. Gibbs did, however, repeat the “snippets” defense previously used to explain Mrs. Obama’s first time pride in her country and Rev. Wright’s roosting chickens. Will it work out as well for Sotomayor as it did for Wright?

Sotomayor’s “Snippets”
By Asher Embry

Those YouTube “snippets” lie, we’re told,
So don’t believe what you behold.
With that Gibbs starts to spin away;
Says Sonia didn’t mean to say:
Appellate courts make policy
And white men judge far worse than me.

While Sotomayer said it plain,
The White House's playing games again.
Pretends the “news loops” shed false light,
Just as they did with Reverend Wright.
Though Gibbs will try to raise some doubt,
We all recall how that turned out!

He’ll say we must contextualize,
Or misconceptions will arise.
Her praise of court-made policy?
He says it drips with irony.
About that I’m superior thing
Which seems to have a racist ring?
Read on, he says; you’ll quickly see
She’s simply used hyperbole.

We fear we know the great allure,
Of Sonia Sotomayor:
Precisely that these quotes ring true
About the things as judge she’ll do.
Diversity and empathy -
The end result, no doubt will be
Decisions where she'll intermix
The law with racial politics.

Regardless of how hard Gibbs tries,
We’re sticking with our “lying eyes.”

Copyright 2009
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Friday, May 22, 2009

Obama-Proof Senate?

After the Senate voted 90-6 to deny funds for closing Gitmo, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs conceded that “the Congress deserves more detail in a plan.” A plan before a vote? What a novel idea.

Obama-Proof Senate?
By Asher Embry

They passed Obama’s Stimulus in something like a minute;
They clearly didn’t care to know exactly what was in it.
They also spent a fortune when the Senate passed his budget;
With little explanation, Orzag easily could fudge it.

In days of old, the Senate needed 50 votes to act.
Next, only legislation passed which 60 members backed.
But with its Gitmo vote perhaps a different day began:
It takes 90 votes against him to force “O” to have a plan?

They’re tackling education, health care, energy and more;
Fundamentally they’ve changed our lives; sent Trillions out the door.
All Spring they’ve legislated without caring why or how.
Suddenly they want a plan? What’s happened up ‘til now?

They need a plan for everything before they pass a bill!
If they don’t take this seriously, then voters surely will.

Copyright 2009
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Biden’s Disclosed Location

Perhaps we all should have expected “Gaffing” Joe Biden’s braggadocio disclosure (at a Gridiron Club dinner) of the infamous “undisclosed location” established to protect our next-in-line Vice President. What with Speaker Pelosi’s charging that the CIA lied to Congress, and Intelligence Committee Chair Sen. Dianne Feinstein’s publicly disclosing the (classified) basing of Predator drones inside Pakistan, we wondered if this was part of a pattern of insensitive treatment of sensitive information by Democrats. In any event, Democrats sure seem to be living up to their reputation of being weak on national security. And strong on gaffes.

Biden’s Disclosed Location
By Asher Embry

Obama’s droning on and on, his points he does repeat;
And with him’s Netanyahu growing antsy in his seat.
The President’s in lecture mode; it’s more than we can bear;
He seldom speaks concisely when no teleprompter’s near.

They praise his oratory, but a tad of free advice:
Ix-nay on the prattling; you make Biden seem concise.

They’ve kept the VP quiet but each time his lips do flap,
He rapidly reminds us why they keep him under wrap.
He tries, no doubt sincerely, just to keep his yapper shut,
But thankfully each week or so he takes a verbal strut!

We all were “Bidened” recently when swine flu fears rose high.
Joe warned his kin off Amtrak trains and told them not to fly.
He dinged the travel industry, already on its knees;
It seems he lives in abject fear of passengers who sneeze.

Not long ago, with tablemates, while supping at the Club,
(Just maybe he imbibed a bit, to complement the grub)
While telling tales replete with his unique exaggeration,
Joe seemingly revealed the famous “undisclosed location.”

Now often Joe’s preposterous gaffes elicit only groans,
But Nancy’s trashed the CIA; Diane’s exposing drones;
A Democratic pattern, not just careless Biden quips;
Did they forget the World War II decree? Loose lips sink ships.

So, Secret Service, don’t delay your careful preparation;
Biden quickly needs another undisclosed location.
It’s really quite important given everything we know;
Remember Nancy’s next in line if Biden were to go.

Copyright 2009 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Monday, May 18, 2009

Be a Murtha Not a Flake?

Just before the House voted on Republican Rep. Jeff Flake’s most recent request for an ethics investigation of Democrat Rep. John Murtha and other senior appropriators, the Democrat leadership’s Rep. Chris Van Hollen sent a pointed message to his members to ensure they would once again vote “to table another Flake resolution.” His e-mail’s subject line was: “Don’t be a Flake.” The Democrats defeated the Flake resolution and killed the Ethics Committee referral.

Be a Murtha Not a Flake?
By Asher Embry

Tell us, noble Democrats, what lesson we should take?
Your leaders send you messages which say: “Don’t be a Flake.”
They mean: If bulls like Murtha let their ethics judgment lapse,
All Dems must stick together, keep transgressions under wraps.

First Rangel showed how four apartments all stay rent controlled;
And how to sucker AIG donations big and bold.
On why he paid no taxes on his beach house, he plays dumb;
Should we have seen tax cheating was the plague of Dems to come?

Who knew Jack Murtha, king of pork, was such a family man;
Made sure to steer big money to the firm his nephew ran.
Let’s not forget his airport - just three Dulles flights each day;
Most always fewer flyers than the staff from TSA.

Indictments swirl around like bees though not one’s stung them yet;
Will they escape complicity? We’ll gladly take that bet.

Dems won the House three years ago and last year in a romp,
Because they promised everyone they’d come and “drain the swamp.”
But au contraire, their grime has left a ring around the bath;
Let's hope that come next year they’ll feel election voters’ wrath.

Copyright 2009
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Nancy Pelosi is No Paul Revere

Another day, another Pelosi explanation of what she knew about the “torture” she so abhors – and when she knew it. On top of everything else, she’s upstaged by her nemesis, Rep. Jane Harman.

Nancy Pelosi is No Paul Revere
(with apologies to Longfellow)

By Asher Embry

Listen, Pelosi, and you shall hear,
Of the CIA briefings and what they made clear.
On the fourth of September, Two Thousand and Two
Zubaydah’s tough treatment was detailed for you.
You’re feigning of shock now is just cavalier.

It’s hard to believe that you simply forgot,
When you said so emphatically that you “were not
Ever told that the CIA used EIT’s,
Did KSM sing ‘cause we said “pretty please?”
There’s no one who really thinks that’s what you thought.

Face it, dear Nancy, we think it’d be wise,
To stop digging holes when you’re caught telling lies.
You’ve a good many reasons this happened, you say;
But did no one explain they can’t change every day?
It does come back to haunt, when you politicize.

The outrage is not what we did to our foes,
But the fact that our secrets you’d gladly expose.
You criticize Bush but it surely must chafe,
That he and his plans did in fact keep us safe.
While you, when it mattered, didn’t even oppose.

Perhaps the “Truth Hearings” you so want to see,
Should explore the effects of your hypocrisy.

Copyright 2009 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Democrats’ Healthy Habits

Sen. Tom Harkin and Sen. Max Baucus want to give incentives for “healthy” behavior as part of the Democrats' “health care reform.” It depends on what the meaning of “healthy” is.

Democrats’ Healthy Habits
By Asher Embry

Well, here comes Harkin’s “Nanny State!”
As Democrats deliberate,
And plot their brand new health care laws,
They’ll try to “fix” each person’s “flaws”;
Incentivize how we behave.
Just don’t refuse; the costs are grave.

They’ve made a list as is their wont,
Of things to do and those we oughtn’t.

There’re incentives if we stay smoke-free,
Eat right, avoid obesity.
They want our bodies strong and trim;
Make sure we daily use the gym.

But as we’re talking Democrat,
We know their list won’t stop at that.
They’ll legislate to have their say;
Make sure we live our lives their way.

Rewards, they surely will provide,
To those who take a same-sex bride.
They’ll give incentives if we use,
A Prius or pay union dues.
Watch Olbermann on our TV,
Mock protesters with bags of tea.
Read Newsweek and the New York Times.
(Scratch out a living peddling rhymes?)

They’ll want us all to emulate,
The leader who they celebrate:
Accept all Venezuelans’ books,
Give Chrysler lenders dirty looks.
Hurl slurs about returning vets,
Add trillions more in yearly debts.
Negotiate with any mullah;
Bow in front of King Abdullah.
Put Grey Poupon on all your burgers;
Find U.S. homes for hostile Uighurs.
They’ll also make reward-invoking:
If no one photographs you smoking.

Know the cherished final goal that’s
Desired most by Democrats:
The best way to improve your health?
They’d say: Let Dems remove your wealth.

Copyright 2009 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Monday, May 4, 2009

Obama’s Top Supreme Court Pick

President Obama says the ideal replacement for Justice Souter should have “a sharp and independent mind" and, of course, "empathy". Could White House counsel Greg Craig be researching feverishly whether a President can serve in two branches of the federal government at the same time?

Obama’s Top Supreme Court Pick
By Asher Embry

The White House roared with giddy cheer,
When Justice Souter made it clear,
How soon his SCOTUS opening came.
Let’s start the nomination game!

The legacy of David Souter,
Still guides each subsequent recruiter:
Make sure you know the judge you name,
Or risk what Souter soon became -
With faulty vetting by his staff,
The first George Bush’s biggest gaffe.

Barack has tried his level best,
To say there’ll be no litmus test.
But one group he’ll disqualify -
No male Caucasians need apply.

It’s surely no surprise to find,
“O” thinks that justice isn’t blind.
He says the central traits should be,
Diversity and empathy -
Include in Court deliberation,
Each Justice’s imagination.

While “O” is fighting flu-like germs,
And running banks and auto firms:
Awarding stimulus largess,
Enchanting members of the press:
Ensuring global warming halts,
Apologizing for our faults…

Convinced there’s more for him to do,
He wants to add a thing or two.

We hope Obama didn’t ask,
Greg Craig to take a secret task:
To check that nothing would prevent,
While serving still as President,
“O” simultaneously'd assign,
Himself as Justice number 9!

Copyright 2009

Friday, May 1, 2009

Rahm’s Hidden Beauty

People magazine’s 100-most-beautiful list this year features “Barack’s Beauties,” including the First Lady, White House Social Secretary Desiree Rogers, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, and Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. Not everyone may agree with the choices, especially those left off the list.

Rahm’s Hidden Beauty

By Asher Embry

People’s beauty list is out.
We’ve got one thing to gripe about:
Apparently, they felt a duty,
Rhapsodizing White House beauty.

We knew for sure they’d pick Michelle,
And Desiree, her pal, as well.
Some others, though, we must confess,
Caused much emotional distress.

It hit us like an atom bomb,
When we were told they’d chosen Rahm.
Now, one could say that Rahm is smart;
Mean, vindictive, crude, and tart;
Partisan and often moody,
But few before perceived his beauty!

And all the world is sad and whist,
That Biden didn’t make the list,
With brow made placid with botox,
And effervescent teeth and locks.

To “judge of cowards,” Eric Holder,
People gave a frigid shoulder;
But recognized at Treasury,
Winsomeness and majesty;
Traits we just don’t see ourself in
Geithner, who to us looks elfin.

We’d figured ice would freeze in hell,
Before they’d pick Emanuel.
But still they proved there is a God:
They didn’t favor Axelrod.

Copyright 2009