Saturday, January 19, 2013

Stay Healthy!

Yes, I'm worried about the fiscal cliff, ObamaCare, and all the other irreversible abominations which will result from President Obama’s November victory.  But the thing that keeps me up at night and really makes me shudder is an unexpected Supreme Court opening.

Stay Healthy!  
     By Asher Embry

To Antonin, Anthony, Clarence and Sam
And also to John (though still fuming I am);
I pray every night you stay chipper and stout
At least ‘til O’s term ends and he’s finally out.

Ms. Kagan can gorge all she wants, I don’t care.
And Breyer and Ginsburg and Sotomayor.
The others: good diets and early to bed -
We can’t risk the Justice O’d put in their stead.

I’m sorry this verse is so morbid and curt;
O tipping the Court we must simply avert.

Copyright 2012 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Thursday, June 28, 2012

O’s Heaping Helpings Of Hypocrisy

Taking a break in Atlanta today from focusing like a laser on jobs (and by that we mean attending two days of back to back campaign fundraisers), President Obama stopped at The Varsity diner for chili dogs.

O’s Heaping Helpings Of Hypocrisy    
     By Asher Embry

As O was gorging on his hot fudge sundae yesterday
(The liberal’s credo sounding: “Not as I do, but as I say!”)
I couldn’t help but think of all the foods we see O totin’
That he and FLOTUS always tell us strictly are verboten.

The ribs, the Shake Shack lunches with the burgers and the fries,
The deep dish pizza, bratwurst, ice cream, sweet potato pies.

FLOTUS scolds that only healthy food should pass our lips.
Nanny Bloomberg tells us soda must be drunk in sips.
They love to say exactly which behaviors best behoove:
Like planting gardens, eating veg, conforming to “Let’s Move!”
How stupid they must think we are, how gullible, how silly,
When now we see O wolfing down a hot dog piled with chili.

But did the crowd, which cheered him at The Varsity today,
Witness if O dined and dashed - or this time did he pay?

Copyright 2012 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Barack’s 1,000 Press Secretaries

Just how slobbering will the non-Fox media be this election?
We always knew President Obama had 1,000 press secretaries (who pretended to be journalists).  More than half a dozen even officially joined his administration (including Jay Carney, the current titular Press Secretary).
This weekend’s orchestrated trifecta of Bain bashing stories (in
The Washington Post, The New York Times, and The Boston Globe) is just the latest and most obvious display of non-Fox media smooching.  The Obama campaign didn’t even have the decency to try and hide the brazenly coordinated articles, the tweets, video releases and other statements from campaign honchos echoing the newspaper stories, or the adjunct ad from the Obama SuperPAC.
The non-Fox media have not exhibited such coordinated Obama boosterism since…the week before, when
Time ran a sympathetic cover story on young illegal immigrants which, purely coincidentally, immediately preceded Obama’s unilateral immigration policy change.

Barack’s 1,000 Press Secretaries 
     By Asher Embry

We all know Barack has no record to tout.
So his top campaign brass have been flailing about
Seeking ways to distract us, to tear Romney down,
Or they know that Barack will be run out of town.

So they criticized Mitt as too rich, out of touch;
But in light of O’s antics, that didn’t stick much.
(Although Andrea Mitchell still right along played,
By editing (liberally) comments Mitt made.)

Then they went after Ann and attempted to paint
Her as feckless and selfish.  That made her a saint.

So it’s back once again to the Bain & Co. well
Still looking for ways that same story to tell.
They’re flogging that “flaw” which near drives them insane:
Mitt’s success as a business investor at Bain.

Soon they called up their friends at the Times, Post and Globe;
Suggesting the topics reporters should probe.

The Washington Post already’d earned Axe’s thanks
For its big “expose” on Mitt’s decades-old pranks.
Axe knew from experience that no paper slimes
A Republican candidate quite like the Times.
Since the Globe’s predisposed, too, to doing Mitt in;
The campaign could count on that New York Times kin.

And wouldn’t you know it, as if right on cue
The so-called reporters knew just what to do.
These ink-smeared-on-dead-trees, sycophant clowns
Began pushing adjectives, adverbs, and nouns
As best as they could to portray Mitt’s career
As all junk bonds and layoffs which voters should fear.

(Yet, this Mitt-bashing orgy is not as obscene
As the story Axe scheduled in Time magazine
Which ran on the cover and guided the way
To O’s dream-act-light policy-change that same day.)

The only conclusion to draw from this mess:
If you’re looking for news, you still can’t trust the press.

Copyright 2012 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Doth President Obama now govern by decree?
The one-time Lecturer in Constitutional Law just changed immigration law all on his own.
How easy he has made it for our next President to unilaterally cut the tax rate, repeal the contraceptive mandate, and so much more - by just exercising a little Obama-esque prosecutorial discretion.

By Decree Of His Majesty Barack  

     By Asher Embry

Now O has shown us all the course:
To govern means to not enforce.
November 6th, with his concession,
We’ll show him how we’ll use discretion.

Those income tax cuts which we seek?
We’ll give the DOJ a tweak.
Thenceforth, they’ll ne’re annoy a gent
Who pays just 28 percent.

ObamaCare’s repeal’s a cinch
Just don’t enforce; no pin, no linch.
The Bishops needn’t be verklempt;
No prosecutions - they’re exempt.

No matter that it doesn’t fit
The Constitution’s intricate
And genius plan which guards our nation:
Powers checked through separation.

Although the Congress has the right
To legislate - to lead the fight.
It makes no difference what their views;
O’s offer, Congress can’t refuse.
For him, these kingly rules are fun
(Especially since O's “The One”).

Is that the game O wants to play?
‘Cause that’s what he’s unleashed today!

Copyright 2012 Gaffe Czar, LLC
We expressed great alarm when President Obama was caught privately assuring President Putin that he would have “more flexibility” after our November election.  The gullible Obamites – who a year ago still were calling Bashar al-Assad a “reformer”- ridiculed Mitt Romney for saying that “Russia is not a friendly character on the world stage.”  Vice President Biden (of all people) mocked Romney for being naïve and stuck in the 1950’s.
They look even more clueless today.

O’s Clueless Russia Reset  
     By Asher Embry

So now the Russians send Assad their helicopters for
His ruthless, bloody massacre which now is civil war.
And Putin’s launching missiles on ballistic testing flights.
He threatens that he’ll stage attacks on NATO missile sites.
He’s blocking UN sanctions. And he’s doing all he can
To help the mullahs reach their dream of nuclear Iran.

That puerile reset button’s really working like a charm.
We’ve given fits to Czechs and Poles; we’ve START-ed to disarm.
It’s harder to enumerate the benefits we’ve gotten.
At haggling, I am sad to say, O’s slightly worse than rotten.

Yet still Obama’s finger’s poised above his reset button.
He’s given Russia all they want – for which we’ve gotten nuttin’.
So once again we’re Putin’s toy; it’s really getting old.
To Putin, O’s an easy mark who’s always being rolled.

Vlad’s fleecing us already; vote Obama and we’ll see
How Putin fully screws us with O’s “flexibility!”

Copyright 2012 Gaffe Czar, LLC
With all the problems in the world, including clear and present danger to our national security and our troubled economy, President Obama is spending a second day with the focus of his schedule (besides fundraising): protecting Debbie Bosanek, Warren Buffett’s suffering secretary.

Our Greatest Threat?
     By Asher Embry

Assad keeps killing innocent civilians in the street.
The mullahs' quest to kill with nukes is virtually complete.
We can’t tell who’s our enemy on Afghan’s battlefront.
And Kim Jung Un’s about to launch his latest macho stunt.
At home the price of gas is soaring, so’s our healthcare cost.
We’re nowhere near replacing all the jobs Obama's lost.

Yet O has taken most his waking hours for two days
To shield us from our greatest threat: that Warren Buffett pays
A lower rate of federal tax than does his secretary.
(Forgive us if we think Plouffe’s plan’s just: be diversionary.)

Our enemies are nuts with nukes, but no need for alarm;
Obama’s raising taxes on the rich – we’re safe from harm.

Copyright 2012 Gaffe Czar, LLC
Any chance that the election campaign could have something to do with President Obama’s newfound hankering for lunch with Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu and his unprecedentedly self-serving, defensive, and political speech to AIPAC - replete with feigned threats on Iran not heard since the last election?

Bibi’s Lunch
     By Asher Embry

Election time is magical; I think I have a hunch
Why O’s now threatening Tehran and serving Bibi lunch.

Copyright 2012 Gaffe Czar, LLC
President Obama has time to apologize to Sandra Fluke, the deprived Georgetown University Law School student.  Apparently, though, no time for tornado victims, grieving families of soldiers murdered in Afghanistan, the Syrian opposition, stopping Iran’s nuclear ambitions, protecting Israel, authorizing Keystone, reducing spending and the $16T debt?

Phoning Fluke  
     By Asher Embry

Our heartland towns were ripped to shred;
The homes demolished, dozens dead.

The Muslim World is more aflame.
Iran still plays its doomsday game.
In Homs, the death toll surges higher.
The Afghan situation’s dire.

And higher still the gas price goes;
So, too, the debt the U.S. owes.

Yet, nonetheless, Obama took
The time to ring up Sandra Fluke
To urge she wage her noble fight
Forever to enshrine the right
To study law and fornicate
Wherever she’d matriculate
(With contraceptives free of cost
No matter other freedoms lost).

It’s comforting Obama sees
His critical priorities.

Copyright 2012 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Monday, February 27, 2012

Maher & Friess

Now that Bill Maher is a $1M donor to the Obama SuperPAC, surely the President will be held accountable for all Maher’s repulsive “jokes” in the same way Rick Santorum was pilloried by the media for Foster Friess’, right?

Maher & Friess
By Asher Embry

I never will repeat the words that leave Bill Maher’s lips;
But surely we agree Barack now owns those putrid quips.
If not (and don’t expect it), it would clearly seem to be
Another in the endless line of Press hypocrisy.
Not saying we should punish people for the things they say,
But dream the Press will fairly treat Conservatives one day.

Copyright 2012 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Friday, February 3, 2012

My New Obama Mortgage

President Obama just announced yet another homeowner bailout. He insists his "simple" plan – which puts taxpayers on the hook for banks which are forced to lend more money than a house is worth – poses no risk to the rest of us. Wasn't this exactly the type of reckless and unjustified expansion of government – in effect, forcing us all to take on second mortgages to pay for our neighbors' homes – which kindled the Tea Party movement in the first place?

My New Obama Mortgage
By Asher Embry

So yet again I'm asked to pay my neighbor's mortgage bill.
The reflex creeping up my leg feels nothing like a thrill.
O says it's really simple; since the banks, he'll make them pay.
But me, I've seen that farce before; it costs me either way.

I searched the Constitution since a document so great
Surely guarantees us all a lower mortgage rate.
But no such thing; a fact confirming what we always knew:
Barack consults a different Constitution than we do.

Copyright 2012 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Obama's Rats and Child Cruelty

Death, rape, drug overdoses, lice, and other public safety and health emergencies shut down "Occupy" encampments all over the country. Yet in Washington, the Obama administration (which controls the federal land seized by the DC Occupiers) continues to be unmoved -- and so are the residents of the Occupy shantytowns at McPherson Square and Freedom Plaza.

Will child cruelty and rat infestation change that?

Obama's Rats and Child Cruelty
By Asher Embry

To that "Occupy" father, we just have to vent:
Did Alinsky instruct you to leave in your tent
Your infant alone in the cold and the rain
To be gnawed on by rats? Are you *bleeping* insane!

To Obama: It's time that you shut these sites down;
We have suffered enough from this blight on our town.

Copyright 2012 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Senate Secret Santas

Sen. Al Franken came up with the idea to start a Secret Santa gift exchange among Senators (though his enduring gift to conservatives continues to be his utter ineffectiveness as a legislator).

We uncover some of the actual gifts which heretofore remained unreported.

Senate Secret Santas
By Asher Embry

Boxer got a ringtone which (with deference) calls her "Ma'am!"
Barbara M. a spa day to enhance her outer glam.
For Stabenow: a way to track a spouse with GPS.
Did Rockefeller get his wish to silence cable press?

Casey got a puzzle but he doesn't have a clue.
Kohl can buy at wholesale, so we skipped him - wouldn't you?
Sanders got his wish to overturn one SCOTUS case.
Schumer got the horse's end that doesn't have a face.

Claire McCaskill got an App to book commercial flights.
Whitehouse got a "Holiday" tree, pre-strung with "Holiday" lights.
Guess who scored 5 bucks a month for life (the "Durbin" fee)?
Kerry's yacht found moorings safe from tax and from the sea.

Did Jim Webb give Dick Blumenthal the Purple Hearts he'd won?
And also make arrangements that Joe Manchin get his gun?
Coons can now unleash his beard to radically grow.
Baucus -- nomination rules which every spouse should know.

Levin -- easy -- membership in Sy's Hair Club for Men.
The Huskers got their Kickback once, now Ben can try again.
And Harry Reid again will hear, despite the harm he's done,
That hopeful prayer from Tiny Tim: "God bless us, every one."

Though playing Secret Santa gives the Senators a thrill,
We know that in the end it's always us who'll foot the bill.

Copyright 2011 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Obama Drones

When asked today about the U.S. drone reportedly lost to Iran, President Obama indicated that "we have asked for it back. We'll see how the Iranians respond." When previously asked about his foreign policy "appeasement," a surly Obama said: "Ask Osama bin Laden." But it's clear the Mullah's know appeasement when they see it.

Obama Drones
By Asher Embry

As everyone but O has known
Iran will not return our drone.
Although O asked them: pretty please
(Which nearly brought them to their knees)
They'll think a nanosec. or so
And then Iran will answer: No!

For Ahmadinejad has seen
How pliant O has always been;
How easily that he's been had
By Medvedev and Hu and Vlad.

O really only wants to fight
With those of us here on the right.

Copyright 2011 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Friday, December 9, 2011

The Marriage of Newt and Trump

So it'll just be Newt and Rick Santorum with The Donald on December 27th. We know we shouldn't be mocking Newt; but when he pairs himself up with Trump, the rhyme just writes itself.

The Marriage of Newt and Trump
By Asher Embry

One by one the candidates fell, declining The Donald's call;
Romney and Perry, and Bachmann too, following Huntsman and Paul.
And though Rick Santorum's accepted, he hardly stands a chance
To muscle a word in edgewise while two mammoth egos prance.

Newt and Trump, Trump and Newt -- a marriage that's made in heaven.
(Actually, to be precise, between them it's almost seven.)
The two of them preening together, devoid of humility,
The obvious subject for Newt and Trump is: "Me, Me, Me."

But add Obama to the debate and this narcissist meeting's complete:
For thin-skinned vainglory, O is the champ - those others can't even compete!

Copyright 2011 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Obama's Muse

Doris Kearns Goodwin used her recent stint on NBC to give more of her ongoing political advice to President Obama: to use Teddy Roosevelt (the subject of her current book) as the model for Obama's reelection campaign themes. On cue, the White House announced an Obama visit to Osawatomie, Kansas where Obama's faux-TR speech presumably will mimic the 1910 "New Nationalism" address given there. It's now frighteningly clear that the LBJ-intimate-plagiarizing-bookseller from Massachusetts is the true power behind the Obama throne.

Obama's Muse
By Asher Embry

What Doris says, Obama does; it's obvious to see.
It's true once more: now O will speak in Osawatomie.
That trip, it sounded weird to us - for, sadly, we confess,
We hadn't heard what Doris said last week on Meet the Press.
Barack should mimic Teddy R exactly, she advised.
(We hope, of course, that's not advice that Doris plagiarized.)

First time she cast a spell on O was when she had a dream;
Referring to her Lincoln book, where rivals formed a team.
Obama bit, the now legit Kearns Goodwin sealed her fate --
Barack appointed Hillary the stewardess of State.

Since then, O's played at Lincoln, Truman, Kennedy already.
At first he played at FDR, and now fifth cousin Teddy.

While Doris plies her schoolgirl crush, the thing that's more absurd
Is how Obama's White House hangs upon her every word.
The White House might deny it but the facts they don't belie
When Doris utters "jump" -- it's clear Obama says: "how high."

Before you go to sleep tonight, repeat your prayers twice
That Doris doesn't start dispensing policy advice.

Copyright 2011 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Barney’s Vice

Barney Frank retires. So long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen. Adieu.

Barney’s Vice
By Asher Embry

There once was a Member named Frank
Who almost destroyed every bank.
Was his wont to inveigh.
Fought to shield Fannie Mae.
In fact, all of his policies stank.

Copyright 2011 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Spitzer Occupies

After failing as Governor and CNN host, has Eliot Spitzer -- the self-proclaimed "Sheriff of Wall Street" -- finally found a job for which he is unwittingly qualified?

Spitzer and the Occupy Wall Street crowd seem to have a lot in common: they are undisciplined, attention-hogging, spoiled elitists with too much free time on their hands who seemingly always are on the prowl for opportunistic sex with partners who apparently aren't looking for long-term monogamous relationships.

Spitzer Occupies
By Asher Embry

He read that Occupiers leave their condoms strewn around.
It's really not surprising, then, that Eliot Spitzer found
The newest cause to which he'll give his "massive intellect"
(And hopefully it soon becomes another thing he's wrecked).

So Client-9 will lead the movement once they figure out
What -- besides the drugs and sex -- the whole damn thing's about.

Copyright 2011 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Pointing Fingers

Surprise, surprise. No Supercommittee deal. And the Democrats know just who to blame.

Pointing Fingers
By Asher Embry

We’re 15 Trillion bucks in debt
And Democrats won’t even let
300 Mil. be cut a day.
It’s Grover Norquist’s fault, they say.

There’s finger pointing all around.
The middle finger’s best, I’ve found.

Copyright 2011 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Reading Holder

Attorney General Holder told Congress he doesn't read his memos -- rather he leaves that task to his staff. Now Holder's former chief of staff, Kevin Ohlson, who seeks confirmation to the Armed Forces Court of Appeals, says he didn't read memos either.

Just what does it take to get the Obama Justice Department to read?

Reading Holder
By Asher Embry

With all those legal briefs and such
He worried that he reads too much.
It started quite a while ago.
He found that reading's much too slow.

So legal "research" starts and ends
With soft entreaties from his friends.
He did no reading, not a stitch,
Yet pushed to pardon crook Marc Rich.

I did not know -- that was his vow
To Congress then as Congress now.
My staff, not I, get in the weeds
And so I'm ignorant -- he pleads.
(Staff now admit they, too, don't read;
They choose to follow Holder's lead.)

So Eric Holder's made a stand
As highest lawyer in the land:
He'll let no memos cloud his eyes;
Too bad if Agent Terry dies.

Copyright 2011 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Obama, Unprompted?

As if President Obama didn't have enough problems with the Debt crisis, the Middle East crisis, the Energy crisis, and the Easter proclamation crisis, "Hub" Schlafly, inventor of the TelePrompTer, has died at 91.

Obama, Unprompted?
By Asher Embry

At half-mast, White House flags will be;
O mourns his idol, "Hub" Schlafly.
Invented TelePrompTer box;
The irony: he worked for Fox.

Copyright 2011 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Clearly Hard-Wired

"And so part of the reason that our politics seems so tough right now, and facts and science and argument does not seem to be winning the day all the time, is because we're hard-wired not to always think clearly when we're scared."
-- Barack Obama, October 16th Democrat fundraiser

Clearly Hard-Wired
By Asher Embry

O says our thinking's just not clear: We're scared, our wiring's wrong.
His view: it's not his policies which make tea parties strong.
He thinks we just can't comprehend; remember, we're the ones
O views as silly, bitter hicks who cling to God and guns.

We've tried to disabuse him but he always does presume
That he, and no one else, must be the smartest in the room.
On that he's quite delusional, oblivious; it's grim --
O's always being rolled by Ahmadinejad and Kim.

But still he presses onward with his fundamental change,
Dismissing our objections as irrational derange.
It's simply inconceivable that we could disagree.
There's no one left for him to blame except for you and me.

We noticed all the people who he's thrown beneath the bus;
And knew it wouldn't take much time before he'd get to us.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Not Well Endowed

President Obama rewrote the Declaration of Independence last week in a speech before the Congressional Hispanic Caucus, wiping out our Creator who endowed us with our unalienable rights. (Obama: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal [4-second pause], endowed with certain unalienable rights...") To whom, then, did the Obamas pray on their unusual trip to church on Sunday?

Not Well Endowed
By Asher Embry

To all, it's now self-evident
What kind of man's our President.

He said that he was one of us;
Went on to mock us for the fuss
We made about his Reverend's views
Which "hadn't reached" Obama's pews.
The reason that he didn't hear?
Quite clearly: O was never there.

We knew that O would hardly pause
Rewriting all our country's laws.
His ideology annuls
Our Constitution's principles.
And now, with ne're a hesitation,
O's changed our nation's Declaration.
(That Jefferson's not up to snuff --
With trite ideas and prose that's rough!)

He thinks those dreams his Daddy dreamt
Still make Americans verklempt.
But no. O's future's looking grim;
Now all can see what's really him.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

To Infinity and Beyond?

President Obama’s “foremost” charge to NASA Administrator Charles Bolden (as Bolden told Al Jazeera): “find a way to reach out to the Muslim world and engage much more with dominantly Muslim nations to help them feel good about their historic contribution to science…and math and engineering.” Just like President Kennedy’s charge to NASA 50 years ago…

To Infinity and Beyond?

By Asher Embry

Our heroes once were astronauts and NASA was our pride.
Barack now sees it differently, with other “missions” eyed.
The tasks they’ve now been given are irrelevant and strange.
Obama wants their focus aimed at tracking climate change.

“The Right Stuff” has been cancelled and O’s buried every trace.
We’ll count on Russian cosmonauts to ferry us to space.
We grew up with the Moon our goal, and space flight was our dream.
Now NASA’s chief priority is Muslim self-esteem.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Obama “Does Us All Good”

Rationalizing the President’s four hour golf game last Saturday, Deputy Press Secretary Bill Burton said “I don’t think that there is a person in this country that doesn’t think that their president ought to have a little time to clear his mind.” With tongue nowhere near his cheek, Burton offered the official White House pronouncement that Obama hitting the links “does us all good as American citizens.”

Obama “Does Us All Good”

By Asher Embry

It’s now been proclaimed that what “does us all good”
Is just knowing Obama, with iron and wood,
Goes awand’ring ‘round fairway roughs, seeking to find,
(Not just balls that he’s shanked), time for “clear[ing] his mind.”

So O’s spill-cleaning efforts we shouldn’t demean
If the hole that he’s plugging’s atop the 9th green.
Don’t begrudge him the minimal “me-time” he’s got;
Just be thankful it doesn’t take place on a yacht.

Copyright 2010
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Monday, June 21, 2010

Firemen, Teachers, and Cops! Oh My!

Once again, Barack Obama, Jim Clyburn, and fellow Democrats defend their latest round of "stimulus spending" in the extenders legislation by pointing to hundreds of thousands of firefighter, teacher, and police jobs which need to be “saved” from state budget cuts. Do they really expect us to swallow yet again that there is no other spending the states could trim instead?

Firemen, Teachers, and Cops! Oh My!

By Asher Embry

Firemen, teachers, and cops:
Democrats use them as props.
O’s always pretending
(With stimulus spending)
Their imminent layoffs he stops.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Friday, June 11, 2010

A** Kicker-in-Chief

Obama says he needs to talk to “experts” so he “knows whose a** to kick.” We’re no experts on a** kicking, but we are happy to give Barack a list if he really intends to kick some deserving derriere.

A** Kicker-in-Chief
By Asher Embry

If O is really looking for posteriors to kick
We’ve got an ample list of worthy candidates we’d pick.

There’s Sec. Napolitano, for too many flaws to list;
The dolts O duped with Stimulus, especially Charlie Crist.
That mothball, Harry Reid, who called us “evil-mongers” once;
And Alan Grayson for this simple reason: he’s a dunce.

Putin and Medvedev who convinced Obama why
It’s fine if O just trusts them, there’s no need to verify.
Kim, and all his relatives, because they’re clearly nuts;
Alan Grayson (yet again) for being such a putz.

Those who say Tea Party members all hold racist views
(Sadly, that is everyone involved in mainstream news).
That creepy Joe McGinnis who’s a boor, unparalleled
(Not since Humbert Humbert has a writer so repelled).

Congressmen who fear deployed Marines might “capsize” Guam.
Staffers trading votes and jobs, like Valerie and Rahm.
Our "brave" Attorney General who just never gets it right.
Pelosi, ultrapartisan, whose brow is frozen tight.

Anyone who still says: O must clean up Bush’s mess.
Libs who think: if we ask nice, then terrorists confess.
All who seek approval from “the World Community.”
Beatles taking cheap shots at our ex-Prez, 43.

O’s writers who make straw men up each time Obama speaks.
The traitors who provide our secret tapes to WikiLeaks.
House and Senate members who refuse to hold town halls.
Immigration “experts” for not building border walls.

Financial rule “reformers” still excluding Fannie Mae.
“Fiscal hawks” like Blue Dogs who keep spending anyway.
Reuters photo editors who whitewash blood and knives
Pols and stars and golfers who are cheating on their wives.

AARP and AMA, Obama’s favorite shills.
Each Senator and Congressman who hasn’t read the Bills.
Democrats who stood and cheered and took Felipe’s side
(If they’d read 1070 they’d know that Calderon had lied).

Awlaki and bin Laden causing terror, spewing hate;
We hope a backside kick alone will hardly be their fate.
The Mullahs, still intending to construct a fissile bomb,
Who already are planning for a modern-day pogrom.

So many other weasels who we really ought to name;
If ever O kicked all their butts, he’d quickly wind up lame.

Copyright 2010
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Friday, June 4, 2010

Obama’s Slick Helpers

Now that we know President Obama has tried to solve the Gulf Coast Oil Disaster by consulting with “Waterworld” star Kevin Costner and “Titanic” director James Cameron, we figured: why stop there?

Obama’s Slick Helpers
By Asher Embry

With Cameron and Costner, O’s started a list
Of off-the-wall big shots he’s asked to assist.

There are Beau and Jeff Bridges of Sea Hunt renown;
The Perfect Storm crew (although all of them drown).
Captain Ahab, of course, since he stalked Moby Dick
Would be perfectly suited to tame this oil slick.

Obama gets help keeping BP in check
With Ken Salazar putting Das Boot on their neck.
And if BP’s next cap-and-recovery plan fails
Will O call Captain Bligh with his cat-o’-nine-tails?

Then there’s Captain Jack Sparrow and young Nemo too.
The actors from Lost now have nothing to do.
Love Boat’s Isaac and Gopher and Stubing and Doc
(Whose maritime skill’s surely nothing to mock).
Both Scheider and Dreyfuss could help in the fight
With the lessons they learned when they chased that Great White.

That’s a start, though we’re certain there’s still plenty more;
Just be thankful O never consulted Al Gore.

Though Obama insists that his head’s in the game,
It clear he’s most focused on shifting the blame.
But maybe the threat’s not as bad as we feared
Since the future’s now bright: Eric Holder’s appeared.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Rahm Blagojevich

Obama's excuse for his Chicago-style hit on Joe Sestak: Clinton did it (and, anyway, everyone does it).
Rod Blagojevich must be the happiest man in America today. No less than the White House Counsel laid out the case that Blago (and Rahm) did nothing wrong. Did Blago,’s bag man have the same “unimpeachable” reputation for truthfulness and integrity as did Rahm’s?

Rahm Blagojevich

By Asher Embry

It’s not since Rod Blagojevich
That we’ve been served a fib so rich.
Each anecdote we’re asked to parse
Makes clear Rahm’s tale’s a massive farce.
If you still think this whopper’s true,
Recall Lewinsky’s dress of blue.

Copyright 2010
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

“In” Vietnam

Apparently, according to Democrat Dick Blumenthal, it all depends on the meaning of the word “in.”

“In” Vietnam
By Asher Embry

There was a Connecticut AG
Who was caught with inflated CV.
He asked: Would it trouble you
If he joined VFW
When he’d served out his “tour” in D.C.?

Copyright 2010
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Auntie Zeituni’s Amnesty

Zeituni Onyango, Barack’s “Auntie Zeituni” from “Dreams from My Father,” has just been granted asylum, reversing her 2004 deportation as an illegal alien (see Asher Embry’s “Dreams From My Father’s Sister” on the February 5, 2010 AmSpecBlog). In the immortal words of Gomer Pyle: “Surprise, surprise, surprise!”

Auntie Zeituni’s Amnesty

By Asher Embry

Surprise, surprise, as we now see
Obama’s aunt gets amnesty.
Get used to what’ll be the norm
When O’s amigos get “Reform.”
One down. It won’t be long before
O tries the same for millions more.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Thursday, May 13, 2010

“Potty Parity”

The House of Representatives is hearing testimony about its “Potty Parity Act,” which (according to the Bill’s sponsors) creates more federal women’s restrooms to combat “abdominal pain, and greater risk of cystitis and other urinary tract infections that, if left untreated, can cause renal damage.” Is it possible this Bill provides more valuable health care benefits than the ObamaCare bill enacted in March?

“Potty Parity”

By Asher Embry

We all agree that toilets for the genders should equate.
We hate to see long lines in which some women have to wait.
We’re glad to see the Congress probing porcelain, tile, and grout.
That’s where their focus should remain ‘til we can vote them out.

Copyright 2010
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Obama's Salt, Too

Obama’s Food and Drug Administration plans this year to impose legal limits on the amount of salt allowed in food products. Nanny Barack might want to check again the list of the top-10,000 problems facing the world.

Obama's Salt, Too
By Asher Embry

Obama’s nanny FDA
Is set to take our salt away.

Popcorn, pretzels, Ranch Doritos,
Triscuits, Pringles, Crunchy Cheetos;
Any snack from Grandma Utz;
Almonds, pecans, cashew nuts,
Ruffles, Saltines, aged Slim Jims,
Pickles, Margarita rims.

Barack will wage an all out war
On all these food that we adore.
When his paternalism’s won -
Arugula for everyone.

The Mullahs nearly have the Bomb.
About that O’s relaxed and calm.
The threat Barack instead attacks?
Our most beloved salty snacks.

Our salt is gone, but O still gets
The fix he sneaks from cigarettes.

Copyright 2010
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Friday, April 16, 2010

ObamaCare and the Pottery Barn Rule

Ever since Colin Powell’s carefully timed endorsement of Barack Obama two weeks before the Presidential election, the two appear to have a special bond. We wonder if Colin gave Barack any political advice about ObamaCare (maybe that the Obama corollary to the Pottery Barn Rule – you break it, Bush did it - would no longer work).

ObamaCare and the Pottery Barn Rule
By Asher Embry

Obama got an extra lift when Colin said he rocked.
Perhaps before ObamaCare those two admirers talked.
Did Powell warn with sage advice, though O sure must have known it;
His famous rule for pottery: you break it then you own it?

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Obama’s Axis of "Outliers"

“Outliers” is Obama’s newest foreign policy euphemism (enemies who don’t comply with the Non-Proliferation Treaty, the “NPT”). Now that “outliers” Iran and North Korea are no longer in the “Axis of Evil” we certainly wouldn’t think of imposing “crippling” sanctions on them.

Obama’s Axis of "Outliers"
By Asher Embry

O’s put an end to Bush’s praxis;
He’ll never utter “evil axis.”

"Outliers" doesn’t ring the same.
An enemy should have a name
That conjures up a firestorm;
Not: “those who lie outside the norm.”

O always wants the world to please
So we are stuck with legalese;
He'll see who are our enemies
By checking out their NPT’s.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Barack: Nuclear Naïf

Barack: Nuclear Naïf
By Asher Embry

There once was a naïf named Obama
Who’s caused our defense grievous trauma.
He crowed: “I am now able
To take nukes off the table
‘Cause I’ll shield you from harm with my Karma.”

Copyright 2010
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Barack Throws Wild

In sport, as in politics, our Dribbler-in-Chief does not want for self-confidence or self-esteem. His desire to show us his prowess as an athlete and sports analyst is matched only by his ubiquity (March Madness brackets, his halftime POTUS comeback during the Butler game, even catching a Drew Brees pass in a Super Bowl public service announcement). As they say: “Sports is a metaphor...”

Barack Throws Wild
By Asher Embry

Our First Fan’s always shown support
For anything involving sport.
At each big sports event this year
Barack would Zelig-like appear.

So, no surprise, he had an itch
To throw the Nationals’ first pitch.
And so this afternoon we found
Barack Obama on the mound.

Just like the health care law he plied,
His pitch was reckless, high and wide.

Copyright 2010
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Coal to Newcastle

If Obama needed to be in Boston for two DNC fundraisers on April 1, why did he go to Maine to give his ObamaCare sales pitch that day instead of making the speech in Massachusetts where they’ve already met the enemy and it is RomneyCare?

Coal to Newcastle
By Asher Embry

Obama goes to Maine today to sell ObamaCare.
He had to be in Boston but he couldn’t do it there.
The Bay State’s healthcare’s waning and its costs and budgets grow
So O could never sell them the calamity they know.

Copyright 2010
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

White House Seder

In the midst of the current crisis in the US/Israel relationship, Obama and his apostles are having their pseudo-Seder at the White House. As they end the meal with the traditional saying “Next Year in Jerusalem,” we hope they reflect on the harm they cause America and Israel with their appeasement of Iran and their misdirected and false moral equivalencies in the way they treat Israel and its neighbors.

White House Seder
By Asher Embry

Through history, Jews at Seder meal
Would face their threats, severe and real,
By praying (to allay their fear)
For: In Jerusalem next year.

Obama’s picked a fight for show
To help his Arab street cred grow
And once again his action sends
The message he abuses friends.

Instead, he really should beware
Of those who wish the Jews weren’t there,
Who vow to solve the situation
With Israel’s annihilation.

As O enjoys his matzoh ball
In light of harm he’s caused us all
Does he detect the irony
With his misguided strategy?

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Monday, March 29, 2010

Obama’s Vaunted Vetting?

To get the preferential treatment intended for disabled veterans, Obama TSA nominee Maj. Gen. Robert Harding certified that he was a “service disabled veteran” and he was awarded a $100M Army defense contract. When it was revealed that his supposed service disability was sleep apnea, his nomination was withdrawn. Obama’s bungling vetting team strikes again. Are they clueless or just incompetent?

Obama’s Vaunted Vetting?

By Asher Embry

Obama’s “vaunted” vetting crew
Has missed some problems (one or two).

The vetting team’s been very lax
About the need for income tax.
They barely cared at all, you see,
About our head of Treasury.
Though Daschle’s bid could not go far
When he “forgot” his private car.

O’s vetting staff completely missed
The ordure on Van Jones’ list;
Holdren, Killefer, Sunstein, too;
What Jennings tells our kids to do.

The worst has been the TSA
Both nominees have gone astray.
First, Erroll Southers’ snooping eyes
Were followed by his brazen lies.

The latest, Robert Harding, claimed
A service “wound” he kept unnamed
To get the favored treatment for
Our military harmed in war.
His perfidy is truly flooring -
His “injury” was nighttime snoring.

Such bald dissembling makes Bob right
To join instead O’s health care fight.

Copyright 2010
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

A Big F-ing Disconnect

A Big F-ing Disconnect
By Asher Embry

Dems had their East Room celebration
Where Joe expressed his jubilation.
But “We The People” watched in awe
Incredulous of what we saw.

Excuse us if we start to vent
While unemployment’s 10 percent
Our debt now reaching to the skies
(9 Trillion more it’s set to rise)
This health bill adding trillions more
Despite Pelosi’s phony score.

Our government has lost its way;
America’s been changed today.

Copyright 2010
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Friday, February 5, 2010

Dreams From My Father’s Sister

Zeituni Onyango, Barack’s “Auntie Zeituni” from “Dreams from My Father,” is back in federal court as she continues to delay her 2004 deportation as an illegal alien (all the while still living in public housing in Boston).

Dreams From My Father’s Sister
By Asher Embry

O’s Aunt Zeituni’s back in court
To fight the order to deport
Her back again from whence she came
Despite her nephew’s famous name.

The wheels of justice sure turn slow,
Especially if your nephew’s O.
For 6 long years she’s reached her goal
To stay in Boston on the dole.

Like millions more who get to stay,
Who play us all and get their way,
It seems her underhanded scheme
Is Aunt Zeituni’s lasting dream.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Friday, January 29, 2010

Global Warming Jihad

According to the AP, Osama bin Laden warns of the dangers of global warming on a tape released on Al-Jazeera, and says the way to stop it is to bring the wheels of the American economy to a halt.

Global Warming Jihad

By Asher Embry

For those on the “global warming” fronts
It’s been a string of lousy months.
Climategate, Copenhagen, frigid cold
Have put their climate scam on hold.

They’ll take support wherever they can,
Even from remote Waziristan.
And it looks like they may have turned the tide -
Now they’ve got bin Laden on their side.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Holder’s Christmas "Present"

Does anyone believe Robert Gibbs’ weekend doozie that during a 3000-second interrogation of terrorist Abdulmutallab we “got all [we] could out of him” or President Obama’s equally flimsy “I will do everything in my power… to keep America safe” even as he allowed that terrorist to be Mirandized before a single intelligence official could ask him a single question?

Holder’s Christmas "Present"
By Asher Embry

Of all Obama’s worst mistakes
The one from which our trust most shakes,
The biggest blunder of them all,
Occurred with Holder’s Christmas call
To treat Mutallab like a crook
A flub which in an instant took
A crucial opportunity
To fight our War successfully.

How can Obama stand and say
He’s working at this every day,
And doing everything he can
To keep us safe from such a man?

O’s Goebbels - Gibbs - still tells the nation
That Umar’s quick interrogation
Which lasted 50 minutes long
(Oprah'd spend more with Cheech & Chong)
Could give us all we had to know
To stop these terror threats which grow.

If that’s the case, why’d O insist
An “isolated extremist”
Attacked that plane, when he’d have known
The terror plot was Yemen-grown?

If O’s response has been so good
Why did it not start with Fort Hood?
If he’d addressed the problems then
We wouldn’t be unfocused when
The Christmas bomber’s Dad made clear
To keep his Qaeda son from here.

The message comes right from the top
To take the steps we need to stop
The threat of Terror War attacks
And ne’er go back to being lax.

O blew our chance for fresh intel.
Unless reversed the cost will swell,
Will haunt Barack, increase our fears,
And threaten all our lives for years.

Copyright 2010
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Barack, the Populist

Obama’s latest pose was unveiled at his “town hall” performance in Elyria where two dozen times he promised he’d “never stop fighting” for us. (It should be noted that he also said: “But this isn’t about me” and then proceeded to use the personal pronoun and refer to himself in the third person as “Obama” more than 70 times - 4% of his speech.) Obama also ad-libbed that if all he wanted was to be popular he would do nothing at all and he would be loved. Truer words may never have been (unintentionally) uttered.

Barack, the Populist
By Asher Embry

Will Barack, the Populist, come to town
Driving a pickup like the real Scott Brown?
Clinging to antipathy, guns, and God?
Calling-out elitists like Kerry and Dodd?
Taking the side of the Cambridge cops?
Spurning arugula for other crops?

How can Obama with his turned-up nose
Hope to get away with this of-the-people pose?

It’s a New Populism, Obama-style;
The kind that he’s been practicing all the while:
What the people want, Barack doesn’t heed;
‘Cause he will decide what the people need.

He’s “angry” and “fighting” and “feisty” too.
“No bedwetting” from Barack’s rabid crew.
But by bashing business O quickly will see
That his “populism” mauls the economy.
The more he does, the more it’s clear
That this “man-of-the-people” has a cast-iron ear.

He’ll “fight for you” and we’ll see when he’s done -
How many more Conservatives have run and won.

Copyright 2010 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Wicked Great Election

In assessing the Massachusetts Senate race, the New York Times’ Adam Nagourney reported that “Democrats across the country are starting to wonder aloud if they misjudged the electorate over the last year.” But not the ever-sure Mr. Axelrod, whose response to the Brown victory is to push forward with the ObamaCare bill: “I think that it would a terrible mistake to walk away now. If we don't pass the bill, all we have is the stigma of a caricature that was put on it.” Apparently Axe thinks we are assuaged because: "The president is a thoughtful guy and he's reflecting on what happened and thinking through what lessons there are there and how to move forward.”

Wicked Great Election

By Asher Embry

The “astroturf” is blooming up by Massachusetts bay.
At snowy polls, we “evil-mongers” finally got our say.
Our “manufactured” Brown support did sound the clarion call
And showed that “angry mobs” weren’t just ”teabagging” after all.

Yet still Barack, Pelosi, Reid will try to pass their Bill.
It doesn’t seem to matter that it’s not the people’s will.
How much more clearly could we speak? On what does “O” reflect?
Ten months from now we’ll make it clear who we won’t re-elect.

Copyright 2010
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Monday, January 11, 2010

Reid’s “Dialectic”

Is there any limit to what Obama and the disciples will forgive – or give – in the name of passing ObamaCare?

Reid’s “Dialectic”
By Asher Embry

Dim Harry says we won’t elect
A “Negro” speaking “dialect.”
Obama says he thinks it’s fine
Since Harry votes the party line.
It’s clear Barack could not object
Since 60 votes Reid did collect.

So many times that we’ve lost track
Has Harry Reid begun to crack.
There was that time he once before
Declared that we had “lost” the war.
Said: We, the people, “smell” - P.U.,
And called us “evil-mongers” too.
Said : it would “help” when Teddy died
Said: Bush - the "loser” - also lied.
Said: only those who wanted slaves
Could fail the give his health bill raves.

It surely proves how very much
These Reid-like Dems are out of touch.

Copyright 2010
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Airport Security?

Airport Security?
By Asher Embry

Reluctantly we let Napolitano check our shoes.
By now it’s clear this exercise is mostly just a ruse.

We tell you now we’ll draw the line when TSA resorts
To checking if there’s anything secreted in our shorts.

Haphazard screening fails the test and maybe we forgive it;
But giving Qaeda 5th Amendment rights? That makes us livid!

Today the White House stages its theatrical events
To demonstrate O has a plan; of course it’s just pretense.
As long as Abdulmutallab is read Miranda rights;
We’ll miss the “ticking bombs” Al Qaeda’s placed on other flights.
And closing Gitmo down is still your terror-fighting plan?
Barack, don’t tell us that you’re doing everything you can.

As long as O keeps hoping that he’ll change jihadists’ views
Our existential war on terror’s one we’re doomed to lose.

Copyright 2010
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Michelle Cover Up

At least three times during the two-week run-up to the Copenhagen climate change conference (and despite the cold and snow outside), Michelle Obama wore strapless or sleeveless dresses in the 18-foot-ceilinged White House, the 5-storied Kennedy Center Opera House, and the heated and electrified South Lawn State Dinner tent.

Michelle Cover Up
By Asher Embry

The press, they love Michelle Obama when her arms are bare.
Not us. We ask the obvious: How warm d’they keep it there?
What carbon does it take to run that Kennedy Honors thing?
Or throw an ornate tented bash for India’s PM Singh?
We don’t begrudge a minute of Barack’s festivities;
But don’t then go and tell us how to live our own lives, please!

Copyright 2009 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs!

And, verily, there came to “O” an epiphany at the Jobs Summit and again to the northeast in Allentown (near Bethlehem) in Pennsylvania.

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs!
By Asher Embry

Here’s Obama’s jobs plan - and he’s not spoofing:
He’ll cure unemployment with … weatherproofing!

Be not surprised; last year he told the nation
His energy fix was … proper tire inflation.

Copyright 2009
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Monday, November 30, 2009

“Obama/Biden 2012: Hide the Decline”

As he searches for a slogan for Obama/Biden 2012, David Axelrod knows Obama can’t reuse President Reagan’s “Are you better off than you were four years ago?” Now that Climategate’s Phil Jones’ expression “hide the decline” permanently has entered the political lexicon, may we offer Axelrod a suggestion?

“Obama/Biden 2012: Hide the Decline”
By Asher Embry

We’ve got ourselves a Prez who’s in a permanent campaign.
Each day’s events designed by Ax to help “O” run again.

Yet unemployment’s on the rise and terror’s gotten worse.
Instead of watching spending, he’s just opened up the purse.
The world has seen him dither and apologize and bow
Resulting in the worldwide view our country’s weaker now.
Transparency’s elusive and post-partisan he’s not.
With made-up jobs and health care claims his honesty is shot.
He’s “calling out” his enemies, vindictiveness abounds.
And any sari’d blonde, it seems, can crash the White House grounds.

No way that voters feel that we are better off with “O.”
So Ax knows Reagan’s question will be answered with a “no!”
What can he do? What novel tricks can Ax this time arrange?
Get Shepard Fairey painting “Hope” and talk again of “Change?”

Obama needs a slogan. Thanks to Phil Jones, I’ve got mine.
It’s this: “Obama/Biden 2012: Hide the Decline”

Copyright 2009 Gaffe Czar, LLC

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

ObamaCare: We’re Scrooged

Our government just issued new guidelines for breast cancer screening which eliminate routine mammograms for women 40 – 49 years old, cut in half the frequency of mammograms for women 50 – 74, and eliminate them for women 75 or older. The American Cancer Society and other experts condemned the change.
Isn’t this rationing exactly what the “Angry Mob” has been worried about?

ObamaCare: We’re Scrooged
By Asher Embry

Our government just said we screen for cancer way too much.
They think we’re spending too much dough on mammograms and such.
(Our private doctor heard the news and summoned up a swear.)
What happened to O’s constant praising of preventive care?

And what comes next? What other routine healthcare will be lost?
Perhaps Barack will rule that EKG’s aren’t worth the cost.
Who needs a new hip, MRI or blood test anyway?
We’ll wait until the Health Choices Commission has its say.

So, we just got a glimpse of what our healthcare holds in store.
Like Scrooge, we got to see the future Congress voted for.
It’s clear the kind of treatment which ObamaCare will give.
We vote: it’s not the system under which we choose to live.

Copyright 2009
Gaffe Czar, LLC

December 11th: Afghan Decision Day?

Obama picks up his Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo on December 10th. Want to bet when his Afghan troop decision will come?

December 11th: Afghan Decision Day?
By Asher Embry

As we await his second Afghan plan in half a year,
“Obama’s just so thoughtful, give him time” is what we hear.
His indecisive weakness is the problem, that’s our fear.
But here’s the actual reason his decision isn’t near:

He always puts Obama first; he’s not surprised us yet.
So we are now quite certain and we’ll gladly place our bet
That “O” won’t make a call on how the Afghan war is manned
Until he’s gone to Oslo and the Nobel’s in his hand.

Copyright 2009
Gaffe Czar, LLC

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

No Berlin Wall Apology?

As we celebrate the anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, it’s clear not everyone learned the lessons President Reagan taught us about American strength, commitment to freedom, “meddling,” and dealing with the world’s evil empires.

No Berlin Wall Apology?
By Asher Embry

Of course Barack’s not in Berlin to celebrate the fall.
At least he’s not apologizing for “… tear down this wall.”

Copyright 2009
Gaffe Czar, LLC